Des Billets

Finally we are agreed. Due to lodger and lack of funds we aren't going to holiday in the summer break -apart from weekends and the coast and stuff.

Instead we are just going to go feral in our home county, swim and catch cray fish in the river, jump on our trampoline,have picnics at the beach , go for bike rides and play with the ponies. The TB even has a yen for a spot of sea fishing out of Aldeborough.

We are also going to go to see Crowded House in the forest, and go to Latitude and I have clearence from the Financial Director (the TB) to book the tickets today - way cool!

Occasional Gastropub Review

The Beehive, Horringer, Suffolk

I had wanted to go here for ages. We went for lunch today, and I came home gutted and consumed with guilt for making the TB spend his money taking me there!
It really isn't a good sign when you struggle to find something you want to eat on the extensive blackboard menu, but I did.
I finally settled on:

Bruschetta with goats cheese, honey and walnuts - which was actually very nice
Veal schnitzel with new potatoes - which didn't actually taste of anything
and
Swiss chocolate ice cream - OK but boring.

So a resounding 5 out of ten. All a bit too pretentious and not yummy enough - when there is nothing you would kill for on the desert menu it's probably a sign to think better of it and go home.

Although really it probably is a sign. Our S, has taken up triathlons. This is not a kind thing to do to your slightly older, slightly fatter but still taller same sex relative. And for me at the minute stamina is a real issue, to the point where it is preventing me doing this I want to do (NOT THAT!) just jumping longer show jumping courses and working on bigger cases. So I looked up a beginners triathlon training regime. JC on a bike! Well OK me on a bike. I think I should have a go, I don't run so we will ignore that bit. Otherwise it prescribes, two swims, one bike ride and two sessions in the gym. I can only ride the horse once this week so it might even be do-able.
I can feel my brain slipping into "but if I only do one swim, one bike ride and one gym session that will still be good" - it will be good but it will be the sipperly slope to nothing again.

I'll let you know how it goes. For now I have to finish the ironing. Oh and to assist the ironing I've rented the DVD's of Weeds - how did I miss it for so long! Shoot me I am a cultural disaster!
On the upside I get to watch it all now.

And so far I love Greek, - got to finish the ironing before episode 2 at 8 on BBC 3.

Laters babes!

Holiday Weekend

Well it was a long weekend and we were set to go and do healthy outdoorsy things, cue torrential rain and really strong winds. So we ditched the proposed canoeeing and tandem riding and contented ourselves with a very soggy walk around the Forest of Dean instead. The good thing about wet soggy walks is that you can use them to justify to yourself eating steak and kidney pudding ( yes PUDDING with SUET CRUST) in the pub at lunch time. I have in point of fact eaten loads of crap this weekend and drunk heaps and managed to come home 2lbs lighter - hurrah.

We did manage tp get home, but very very slowly due to huge amounts of water and traffic, only to find the electricity had gone off over the weekend so the burglar alarm was driving the neighbours mental and the freezer had defrosted..there is always payback.

Sister's can of course be guaranteed to ruin any moment. Particularly if they are ( is in this case) the local detox nurse. As we drove over the hills and looked at yet another stunning view, she calmly informed us that; "Ketamine is really big around here, we think they've got a supplier in the ********( name of institution with held for legal reasons) , it reduces you to a vegatitive state you know, why would anyone want to do that?". Although it would be one way to deal with the rain, personally I'll stick to steak and kidney pudding and bottles of red wine.

Yoga ...OMG

And the next commandment is this....you shall not skip yoga class from February until May and expect your hamstrings to be more than 1/2 and inch long!

Ow ow and ow! Did my first yoga class for almost 3 months yesterday, and due to sporadic yoga practice and much horseriding my hamstrings are now a stretch free zone. God have I got some work to do if I don't want to be asking someone else to paint my toe nails sooner rather than later. Crap!

Off to middle sister's for the weekend (the nurse) and she has big plans apparently - including a spot of caneoing on the Wye. Cross your fingers for good weather as she will press on regardless!

Will be lovely to see her though.

Cross-Country

We did great! OK we got around without the horse falling over or me falling off, but we were slow, so slow in fact we might reasonably have been called ponderous. But never mind. Both in one bit and all the fences also in one bit ...hurrah.

And in another bit of horse news I passed the riding element of my NVQ level 1 in horse care this morning so I can ride to the requried standard - also hurrah.

But enough horses. The TB and the AB now want to take up scuba diving so I'm off tonight to find out when the next PADI course is at the pool cross the road. I could fancy it, in fact you know, I could fancy myself as a bit of a female Indiana Jones - bit of horse riding, bit of sailing, bit of scuba diving!! But no snakes...............I really really hate snakes!:)

The Horse

I have a horse on loan..which is a bit like burning five pound notes but more fun, mostly, and a lot more messy ...and smelly....and...oh well anyway.

Last week we won the local Riding Club dressage competition - which had become a bit of a mission after this comment from the AB the day before;

"there is still time to pull out of the dressage competition Mum, I mean, you don't know the test very well and you don't want to look like a muppet!"

Needless to say the large red rosette saying "1st" is now stuck in the MIDDLE of the kitchen notice board.

So tomorrow - I am going to attempt to ride around a cross country course for the fist time in ten years. If there is an illegilble post from an intensive care unit on dodgy hospital wi-fi on Monday you will know that the attempt went horribly wrong. I shall endeavour to fall on my arse and not my head but we shall see!

Amazing Weather

I live in what is , statistically, the driest county in England. But the weather at the moment, even taking that into account, is fabulous.

There hasn't been a cloud in the sky all week. And althuogh the BBC has informed me that the temparature has been a sensible 22C the thermometer in my front porch says 26C in the shade!
And according to the forecast it will stay like this until Friday - fabulous!

No excuse for eating anything but salad and for not taking plenty of healthy exercise.

The business is still going through an unsteady patch - work is coming in. But I got bullied into writing off a bill (I had done nothing wrong) because things had gone badly for the client and they wanted me to "share the pain". They send me a lot of work (all the 5 new jobs in the past two weeks have come from them - potentially around £6k of work) , but the bill was £900 that I can't really afford to give up. So? I gave up. What a complete wimp.

But, to be fair the mortgage and school fees are paid, there is glass in the windows, food in everyone's belly and clothes on thier backs - so in the scheme of the world we are fortunate indeed.

Sit. Report

The not blogging actually didn't mean that I still had no work, had gone bankrupt and slit my wrists.

It did reflect the fact that I got food poisining at a business dinner and felt like I'd been poisoned for a week - also lost 5lbs so it's an ill wind that blows no good.

So yes , I have work, hurrah. And a few people may even pay me shortly, even more hurrah. It would be helpful if they stumped up some cash as I have to pay the VAT man at the end of the month.

The weather is just stunning - so the pre-work dog walking is not the chore that it was in sub-zero biting east winds back in January. I'm contemplating working in the garden. The wi-fi stretches that far, it would mean installing a couple more programmes on the lap top and the lap top is no where near as nice a machine to work on where there are big documents. So I'm thinking about it - lunch and coffee breaks in the garden is pretty good!

We had a very lazy holiday weekend - just enjoying the lifestyle really, go to the market, buy nice food, come home and cook it and eat outside. Go for a walk by the river at the back of the house or go across the road for a swim....what's not to love. Oddly no one is particularly fussed about going away on holiday this year.

Still nothing!

I admit it - I am panicking now. Still nothing!

It's not that one week of no work is an issue, it's the fear that it will turn into lots of weeks of no work. Which I can't afford. Added to which a client is going bankrupt on me. Which means i will lose out to the tune of about £5k. I realise that hearing I've got a financial issue is a lot like hearing that Kate Moss has put on 3lbs, but I don't have £5k to spare in the first year of trading on my own account. And yes I do have some savings but £5k will be missed. Hey ho.

And an admission - it's Tuesday afternoon and I haven't been to the gym yet! - I have been to the stables, for the whole of yesterday morning and this morning and mucking out and riding is good exercise. And the dog has been walked for an hour each day ..and I've done yoga for an hour each day and yes.................I'm making excuses!!!

The Profitable Use of Downtime

OK it's day one of "no work week" and so far, walked the dog for an hour, and done horse stuff for the rest of the morning.



A normal person would do housework or laundry now - but was so panicked at the thought of a work free week that I did all of that yesterday. And I cooked a huge piece of pork for supper last night and so have a request for cold cuts and mash tonight. Hardly time consuming.

I admit it, I am completely freaked by having nothing to do. My littlest sister has suggested "yoga and meditation" and everyone else I know has just laughed.

Oh well, peel the spuds for mash I suppose and then go to the gym !

Hopefully the devil will find some work for these idle hands!

For the first time since I became self employed last July I am facing a "real freelancer week". In other words I have no work. Added to that, everything is up to date, from the filing to the accounts to the archiveing. Even the monthly client newsletter has been written and sent out. I literally have nothing to do.

Hopefully the lull won't last for too long, there is stuff allegedly "in the pipeline" and a couple of ongoing cases where nothing is happening just at the minute. I am finally doing what I should have done last August and signing myself up for every business women's networking lunch and chamber of commerce breakfast in this county and the three neighbouring ones!

It's my own fault I should have hit the marketing pedal a lot harder last summer - back then I was happily engaged in ongoing cases (which have since settled successfully for everyone) or writing for training providers (who have since hit financial worries of their own and stopped employing freelancers).

So - what to do this week. The plan is to go to the gym every day. Ride on as many days as I can scrounge a horse to ride ( so far 3) and do some yoga. The ironing is all done, the house is spotless ... ......I've even baked bread this afternoon.

Help!

Brain wired up wrong!

I was obviously very bored last week, as I got onto a train of thought along the lines of "who would I fancy if I was a bloke or a lesbian?"

Well my male side/lesbian alter ego, clearly goes for forthright women with big gobs. And I clearly am incapable of going for anyone under 35 , because my list went;

Amanda Redman

Catherine Tate Nigella Lawson

Strangley the people my alter ago would go for, don't co-incide with my dream donor for the complete head and body transplant (ie who I would love to look like) who would be Kate Hudson. Well you would wouldn't you? Look like her if you had the chance?

Stuff in the News

Well dears, the weather is still dreadful. It rained, hailed and snowed here yesterday, I wish it would make it's mind up and do one thing well!

But, all the same, much has happened since my last blog entry.

The McCartney divorce and all the hoopla that surrounded it for instance. I didn't really give a monkeys about the McCartney's themselves but some of the surrounding press comment was just .......just..... infuriating! In particular, after Fiona Shakleton's soaking there was an opnion piece in the Times, by a bunch of women wishing they too had soaked their ex-husband's divorce lawyer. Why? Because the female divorce lawyer was apparently "stroking my husband's ego after everything he had put me through." After I had finished screaming "Oh FUCKING GROW UP" at the newspaper, I realised two things;

1. I hadn't been halucinating when I heard my MALE DIVORCE LAWYER colleagues telling their FEMALE clients that "wow, you look really fabulous today" , "how are you , you're looking a little pale, things getting to you?" "That hair cut is wonderful!" - no ego stroking at all going on there then????

2. That the person they really wanted to throw water on was the husband's mistress - but that would have been assault. The lawyer can only laugh and prentend it means nothing.

I do remember why I gave up the laughingly labelled "Family Law" once I was allowed to when I qualified. Despite all appearences that the press would like to give to the contrary, it isn't very lucrative (bit of a girly ghetto, the big fees are in commercial work darling). And also it's very very dull. All splitting up couples say pretty much the same thing about each other, he says "she's never worked a day in her life she isn't getting a penny out of me the lazy cow!" and she says "he made me give up work he's ruined my life".

And truthfully, I got fed up of being a punch bag, and did memorably one day utter the unforgiveable line "well sorry darling, I don't care how much of a shit he/she is I didn't make you fricken marry him so res ipsa, not my fault!"

Spring Break!

My parents are coming to stay for 3 weeks.

The AB is nicking off to France on a school trip for 10 days of this.

The TB is stressed at the mere thought of it so there may be a divorce - alternativley there may be a lot of long walks.

There will almost certainly be a blogging hiatus!

Libel

The thorny topic of libel is once again hovering like a dark cloud over the blogsphere.

What is it? How does it happen? And how likely is it that one day someone will sue you for something that you say in a blog?

What follows is a short introduction to the concept and is in no way intended as a subsitute for proper legal advice from your own lawyer.

Libel is a written statement that is defamatory. The publication of a libelous statement entitles the person who has been libelled to damages without having to prove that they have suffered any actual financial loss as a result of the libel. This is different from slander, or spoken defamation which (other than a few specific cases such as impuing someone's professional reputation or the chastity of a woman) requires a real financial loss to have occured before the right to damages arises.


So what's defamatory? "A statement intended to lower the stading of a person, or persons in the sight of right thinking people."

And which statement amounts to more than "vulgar abuse"

So "Lippy is a fat cow" is not defamatory it is mere vulgar abuse.
"Lippy is a crap lawyer and I wouldn't trust her as far as I could spit" is a libellous statement and actionable.

Let's get a grip on reality here - libel cases are prohibitivley expensive. £85,000 for costs to trial is not a top end quote. It is to put no fine a point on it, a rich man's hobby. And there is no legal aid available for cases to be taken in either libel or slander and frankly quite right too. If that became a bottomless pit of public money for defamation lawyers I'd be first at the front of the queue to protest against it.

Libel damages are ridiculsously high in comparison to personal injury damages for one reason - personal injury cases are heard by a judge alone, and he works from a price list for the damage caused - e.g. broken arm - £2000.

Libel cases are the only remaining civil cases which are heard by a jury - and the jury also sets the level of damages. So they tend to be more "american" than is common in the rest of the UK jurisdiction - think up your own examples of people in the public eye who have been given far too much money for being referred to as a too specific type of twat.

In conclusion - if you slag off your ex in a blog can he sue you for libel. Yes. Is he likely to sue you for libel? Unless he is a bored millionaire with a chip on his shoulder who wants, for reasons of his own to put you in the bankruptcy court - No.

Working Day

My morning walk is normally very beautiful, as you can see, it was lovely this morning just pouring with rain - freezing cold and sideways!

But it is part of the utter luxury of homeworking - that the day goes;

8am - School Run and dog walking.

9am - At desk starting work.

3.30pm - Finish work and go to the Gym

I want toys too!

At my sister's party on Saturday her friend was complaining about her homeworking husband. It seemed most unfair to me but the essence of her complaint seemed to be that he wandered around the house, doing the house work whilst doing mega deals on a blue tooth headset!

He makes money and makes the bed! - how cool is that guy, I mean really! He also cooks.

His wife has clearly twigged that the whole female population would like one of those and has moved him out of London and away into the wilds quick smartish.

What I really want however is a blue tooth headset for the office phone and Outlook for the lap top so that I can work in the garden in the summer as I'm pretty sure the wi-fi hub goes that far. Watch this space for further improvements to this girl's life of Riley.

And woot - I have new clients....

Bless My Cotton Socks I'm in the News

Along with the rest of the free world I'm glued to Ashes to Ashes. I know it's not as good as Life on Mars, but I didn't actually watch life on Mars because I find John Sim hugely irritating - not his fault, just his face.

But back to Ashes, I'm as sure as I can be that I didn't spend 1981 wandering around with one bra strap hanging out. And cowboy boots...........wasn't it pixie boots? I distinctly remember many pairs of suede pixie boots being in evidence. And yes to skinny jeans, but no to the leather jacket -it was all fake fur round our way, but maybe that was because it was Scotland and the coldest winter on record even the toilet froze up that year. But sadly the dodgy eyeshadow is spot on.

In 1981 my very rich flat mate drove one of these babies, a black Golf Gti, which we all thought was the coolest form of transportation known to man.

I've just been to a marvelous party!

Honestly - what an old bag! So full of flu self pity I forgot to tell you about the parentals Golden Wedding Anniversary party.

It was fabulous. We knew it had begun well when mother phoned the night before; "Sorry darling, can't really talk, 15 of us are going out to dinner!"

We had arranged a lunch party for 50 people at a really nice country house hotel that a friend of ours owns in Shropshire. He did a stunning job, because we had chosen a Friday we had the place to ourselves, with lots of champagne and lovely food. The top table comprised the original top table from 50 years ago, only my uncle ( who was Dad's best man) was missing, poor love died four years ago. But his wife was there and one of the bridesmaids had made the trip from Western Australia.

We had an outstanding "house band" for the day - we couldn't have afforded them normally, but because the sax player is our friend's , husband's brother (yes I know it gets complicated) we got West End jazz musicians at mate rate. They played anything anyone wanted without missing a beat - and get special bonus points for the "South Pacific Medley", South Pacific being the film Dad took Mum to on their first date...sweet!

The Speech wot I wrote went OK.

And the handmade chocolate truffles (made by my cousin with the chocolate factory and normally sold at Fortnum and Mason) went down even better.

Everybody seemed to have a blast - the adults could talk all night (and did) and the kids could run around the garden and climb trees with all the cousins they only see from time to time.

And sis and me were quietly chuffed that we'd organised something that went so well.

THANK YOU NOBODY GIRL

Big thank you NG - I now have a room for next week at the Fox. It sounds divine, and I'll let you know how it works out.

Sorry for the very public thanks but I can't get your email to work or read your blog so this is the best I could do.

Ta a million once again for being such a sweetheart

L xx

Fluey Thursday

Still got flu, if it doesn't miraculously dissapear by tomorrow I am going to miss;

1. TB's work's party - they work on shifts all through Christmas so have a late, late do now. And because it's so late and no one is bored of parties it's usually good fun.

2. My sister's party on Sat, she's 40 but because she is a leap year baby, it's only her 10th REAL birthday - so it has to be a BIG deal.

The dog is sulking at me because he hasn't had a walk in two days (he normally gets a couple of miles a morning between school drop off and starting work, it's such a nice start to the day) and the horse is sulking on radar ( and via the AB) because she is being ridden by someone who makes her do as she is told and doesn't give out undeserved polo mints.

And this flu virus is horrible - its as if it finds every weak spot and every sore joint and aching muscle you've ever had in your life, it gets into them and makes them throb all at once. VILE.

The World is Against ME!

Honestly it is, let's review the evidence;

1, I have the flu, proper boiling hot to freezing cold with bone breaking aches flu - even the Doc says it's flu!

2. I still don't have a VAT number 6 months after applying for one - what is the Revenue playing at? Am terrified this will in some way turn out to be MY FAULT and cost money!!

3. The Hoxton has declined to extend my corporate account because I only stay there 2 days/month - bastards! And after I stayed LOADS when they were starting out. Can't even find me a room for next Wednesday night. This feels a lot like one of your mates who you really like turning round and saying "I don't want to be your friend any more" - very playground and five years old and it still stings!

4. Work still slow. Good job at moment - see point 1.

Nothing to tell...

There is nothing interesting to tell just know. Same old, same old. Losing weight is a long, slow process - I've lost 6lbs in the same time everyone else has lost a stone and a half, and boy is it disheartening.

Family party tomorrow - speech to give, may yet throw up and interesting and well written blog post...stranger things have happened.

Clean Living

It's true, I lead a blameless life in the country. I ride my horse, walk my dog and do my work. My house is very clean and shiny and so am I. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs and as of Ash Wednesday I DON'T DRINK..............this is true, in a shocking development chez Lippy I have given up the booze for Lent.

Now to get my kicks I either have to jump over very high fences or go to the gym and knacker myself out, or have sex with the TB of course, (haven't given that up for Lent.)

Talking of high fences, a horse at the point to point, threw it's rider, left the rest of the field and promptly jumped over a huge fence and on to the road. It broke it's leg on impact, the hobbled three legged to the forecourt of the petrol station. When it arrived it shook off the shattered broken half of it's foreleg leaving a bleeding stump. Fortunatley the vet arrived at that point and shot it, creating much trauma amongst the assembled townies topping up their cars for a nice drive out in the country. And the moral of this story...the person who told you that horses have an inate sense of self preservation was lying. People do, horses don't.

Anyway - the point of this post was to say that after Easter I am clearly going to head down to the Smoke, install myself in the nearest divey bar and make up for lost time. I just need to assemble a few co-conspirators for the occasion.

Hard Lesson

I know I spend to much time on the gossip pages, but don't deny a girl simple pleasures. Anyway, whilst perusing the same, I see that Lily Allen's boyfriend one Ed Simons has now dumped her.

But then, Lily love, if he's 38 , not married and still looking to date 22 year old girls, then chances are he has the emotional range of a concrete slab and if you opened him up the words " I am a selfish cunt" would be running through his middle like "Blackpool" through a stick of rock.

Take your cue from brother Alfie who wants to smack Ed in the head, go for someone younger who will think you are amazing and have this bizarre disire to "take care of you." - it takes a bit of getting used to I'll admit but it's fun.

Families

Families, the TB's and mine, still cause endless rows, hilarity and our most rock solid "it's them or us" moments.

The TB's old man liked a drink, so much so that his liver packed in and he died aged 62.
So I do get a bit nervous when the old "corporate entertaining" round takes the TB out on the beer once to often;

me : "Don't drink too much beer will you. You can't take it."

(Now that was a red rag to a bull)

him: "Whaddya mean I can't take it"

me : "Well, (trying to backpedal and failing) it's a bit of a weakness in your genetic makeup"

him :"Still don't know whadya saying"

me : "Well, you know, your Dad, drink, bit of a problem"

him : "My Dad wasn't an alcoholic, he just liked the taste"

The TB's birthday

This year it's 20 years since the TB and me went on our first date...everyone say ahhh. And we went to Brown's restaurant in Cambridge for his 23rd birthday. Indeeed, he was but a boy when he got saddled with me the poor dear.

Anyway, co-incidentally having moved house we are now only about 20 miles from Cambridge and so I was thinking that I'd take him back there again.... only this time with an overnight stay at the rather fabulous Hotel Du Vin just up the road.

His usual complaint about being taken anywhere posh is that, "yes but if it's £200 a night I just won't enjoy it!" but now, I can pay it without him ever knowing because I can pay it with the corporate check and refund the business out of drawings. ...and I think I just shouldn't tell him.

It's a bit an expensive time for celebrations though, it's my parents golden wedding party next month ( which their kids are paying for obviously) lunch for 60 at a really nice country hotel, we fixed a fairly tight wine budget and anything over they can pay for themselves! - you know how these pensioners can drink. And the week after my sister's 40th....

So better do some work quick to pay for it all.

Sectioning Amy

Apparently Amy Winehouse's Dad has asked that she is compulsorily admitted to hospital under the mental health act because she is clearly "a danger to herself"

Unfortunatley for Dad Winehouse - in order to be "sectioned" you not only have to be a danger to yourself or to other people you also have to be suffering from a recognised mental illness. And poor old Amy is bad not mad.

Years ago I acted for a lady whose alcoholic husband would regularly drive his car through her front room window when pissed out of his mind. He was clearly a danger to loads of people. but as with Miss Winehouse bad and not mad, so all the police could do was arrest him every time and throw him into a cell to sober up.

There isn't any law - apart from affray and posession of narcotics that works in this situation. Should there be - should you be able to lock up a drunk or a drug addict just for being a drunk or a drug addict ?

I don't think so actually.

Mediation

The current thinking is that disputes should be resolved where possible by mediation rather than a court hearing. The process itself is a bit of shuttle diplomacy - parties in the same building, often in different rooms, but meeting up from time to time to air their views and a mediator being the UN and shuttling between the parties.

Even when it doesn't get all that far it's very revealing as to the parties motives and preconceptions. In one case that I had a while ago the other side clearly thought our chap had a porsche and a boat where in fact he has a push bike and a rubber band collection.....

If nothing else it's illustrative of the elusive nature of "truth" because all the time what someone else believes to be true is not what I beleive to be true, and we are only telling each other half truths anyway.

Poor girl

Oh poor Lily Allen, you think you are "safe" to tell people at 16 weeks, you really do and then..........as I recall it you are in the ultrasound suite, lots of excited couples having been pushed out of the way and the conversation goes like this

*long pause*

"I'm really sorry Mrs L, I can't find a heartbeat"

and you can't think of one single thing to say back except "it's all right" and it isn't.

And you then have this dreadful procedure to remove what they call "retained products of conception"...............yeah.

And it's really difficult when you have been together a few years - but in a beginning relationship I can't imagine how alone she must feel. Poor poor kid.

Crap day - no sunshine

It's one of those days when my only conversations have been along the line of;

"it's in the contract"

"haven't you read the manual"

"whoever did those land registry searches (me of course) is hopelessly incompetent."


and it's raining and I'm getting a migraine from looking at a computer screen so much and I'm going to have to pay someone else's costs of around £1000 - shit.

Stamina or lack thereof

Endurance exercise or endurance training consists of performing low- to medium-intensity exercise for long periods of time. E.g., jogging or running several miles to hundreds of miles; cycling dozens of miles to thousands of miles; swimming hundreds of yards or meters to dozens of miles or km.
Physical endurance is differentiated from other forms of physical stress in that in endurance exercise fatigue of the muscles and cardiovascular system do not force the effort to end. The need for sleep, the buildup of non-recyclable waste chemicals, the depletion of convertible energy stores and other needed chemicals (e.g., water, sodium), physical injury, psychological failure, or attainment of the goal will bring the effort to an end.

So says Wikipedia - but look at me, two hearings in a week, three days of working full on until 10 o'clock at night and I'm so knackered that I can't remember my own name, let alone everyone elses. Maybe if I could swim a mile I could work harder and more consistently without falling to bits - another suggestion is that I should just go to sleep for a bit.

Kingdom

Oh heavens, I hear you cry, not more inane whittering about Stephen Fry. But we have to talk about Kingdom gentle readers, for you are not going to find a more intelligent, learned and kindly East Anglian solicitor outside the pages of this blog.

Although I must say his case load is very boring, and on the fees he is earning from advising the WI on buying a light house he isn't going to be able to afford to run a Bentley convertable for very much longer now is he?

But it is mental cocoa for a Sunday night and it does speed along the ironing in a helpful manner - for which , Mr Kingdom, I thank you. I am however hopeful that now your wicked, swindling brother has returned from the dead things might get a lot more interesting. And I'm also hoping that , in the interests of artistic verisimilitude naturally - that given the swindling brothers antics your practice is subject to the intervention of the Law Society and that darling Simon is struck off the register!

Old Vic Panto

I went with the fam to the matinee performance of the Old Vic's rendition of "Cinderella" yesterday.......and our reaction to this latest incarnation of the genuis that is Stephen Fry was a hearty, "hmmmmm".

Whilst I was delighted that the obvious love between Buttons and Dandini finally dared to speak it's name, the rest of the show couldn't decide whether it was a kid's panto, post modern ironic adult pastiche of a kids panto, an old style bawdy panto, or a highly intellingent panto for an audience of regular theatre goers - so in the end it was a bit of all those things and not really a good enough version of any of them.

Sandi Tosveig playing Stephen Fry (well, the narrator was clearly the man in himself) made a passable drag king - but was at her best and funniest when adlibbing her own lines. Pauline Collins I loved as the fairy godmother but no one else did. And what was the cake fetish all about?

Oh well, lots of work to do and no more outings for me in the near future...ho hum.

Time Flies when you Are Having Fun!

This time of year all the magazines are full of ideas on how much better your life would be if you "just put aside an extra half an hour a day!" to do whatever it is they suggest. So I thought I'd have a bit of a tot up and see how much time a perfect life actually takes;

Half an hour to cook a nutritious meal for the family ( x 3 ) - 1 hr 30 mins
An hours exercise a day to stay healthy - 1 hr
30 minutes "me time" for those little grooming jobs (nails/eyebrows etc) - 30 mins
Ideal amount of sleep - 7 hrs
If you do an hour and a half housework every day you'll stay on top of it - 1hr 30 mins

(some of this is suggested management time for a law practice)
Chargable hours per day target - 7 hrs
Suggested budget for marketing hours per day for a new practice - 2hrs
Keeping on top of the accounts - 30 mins

That's 21 hours a day, and I haven't had a shower, or driven to the gym or eaten anything myself yet! Nor does it allow for going to the post office or the shops or saying hello to anyone!

No wonder I feel as if I am permanently behind - thank goodness I don't have to commute!

Tis the season to de-tox

De- toxing is scientifically bollocks...but there is something about January that makes you feel spotty and posinous, and it doesn't help that half the world has been stricken down with "winter vomiting virus" - how nice.

I don't even deserve to feel toxic - I've walked the dog for an hour every day and ridden the horse most, and not been to many parties and I still look red-eyed and about to expire from exhaustion! It's not right!! So more water, less caffiene and much boring being realistic, once the credit card has recovered from the sales!

I am trying to formulate a plan for the next little while to market the business. But I do find that business opportunites are rather like love affairs and don't often come along when you are looking for them!

Christmas and New Year

The TB has the flu (again!) so it was just the 3 of us for Xmas, and the most christmassy part was drinking bucks' fizz and playing Cludeo by the fire!

I managed to turn out a top hole lunch of beef wellington and lava chocolate puddings with vanilla ice cream (not together, veg with the beef wellington and chocolate pudding after!) but I am rubbish at shopping for the long hall so we now have no eggs, hardly any bread, no butter and no fruit juice until the shops open tomorrow. It has finally stopped raining so I'm off to take the dog for a walk.

But first, a review of the year - hardly any travelling apart from Naples which I didn't like much. But I met JK, saw Patrick Stewart play Prospero Bought new house, got a whole dress size less fat, became self employed and I'm doing OK. I could use more work but the income hasn't dropped so next year is better they tell me - sounds good! I'm well on the way to having the major health issues sorted and that's a good thing, and doing lots of fun regular exercise, mostly down to the flexibilty of freelancing, hurrah. Notably, made some new friends which I'm especially proud of because the general view seems to be that it's impossible once you are over 40!

Things I am going to do in 2008 ( not resolutions because I've already booked some of them!)
- have an appointment with a professional stylist to go through my wardrobe and take me shopping.
- take a motorhome on a drive from San Francisco to LA via Yosemitie National Park
- take the AB riding on Holkham Beach
- and I'd really like to start a supper club, must think of some interesting people to ask........hmmm

Ploughing through snot

I know, I know it's boring, but honestly I have had this cold since the middle of November and it is starting to drive me more than slightly mental! I am responsible for a hefty slice of the profits of both Kleenex and Lemsip and am really starting to wonder what I have to do to shake this thing off.

I'm taking vitamins that are supposed to boost the immune system, echinacea, saunas, baths with tea tree oil and lavender. Lots of hot lemon and honey drinks. And bracing walks wearing a large woolly hat.

I can't sleep it off because of the whole sore back thing - and one is making the other worse I'm certain of it.

So if anyone out there in the blogverse is keeping the magical cure to themselves- do share, please!

Christmas for the Bewildered

Bloody hell, just tried to order meat for Xmas day and the order book is closed!! - eep so got to go to Butchers this afternoon and buy it, he swears that it will still be fine on Xmas day, I hope so! - eep

Amazon has yet to turn up with the presents so we could have old meat and no pressies - disaster! So much for leaving things until the last minute, but frankly Christmas is still a week away so it doesn' t feel all that last minutey!!

Better get round Waitrose for the other stuff tomorrow then and only leave the veg for Xmas eve.

I have given up on Christmas cards completely and everyone is going to get a nice email saying I love them loads but I've spent the card budget on buying books for a slum school in Manila! I Hope they approve.

Beecham's Powders and Bolly don't really mix

It is the season of Christmas parties, so of course I have a cold and a sore back, yes still, I have partaken of every quack cure known to woman (known to this woman) but still I sniff, and the skin on my face is drying and flaking off - I look like the Mummy.

But I am made of sterner stuff, and anyway it's too painful to lie in bed, so I headed off to the West End yesterday for lunch in an awfully nice restaurant called Pattersons. The reason this isn't a restaurant review is that I drank 3 glasses of champagne on an empty stomach and I can't remember what I ate! - but it was very nice.

And , oh joy, I was sitting next to a guy works with the woman who was the class sex pot when I was at Uni, and he said without any prompting "but God, I can't beleive you were in the same class as P you look SO much younger than she does." Call me shallow but I've waited 25 years for that one - hurrah!

Then came the horrible ending to any Xmas lunch the walk east up Oxford St looking for a cab, it is truly a magical time of year as I found one before the Tottenham Court Rd , so home before 10 - and the superior muscle relaxant qualities of Bollinger meant I had my best nights sleep for weeks!

Xmas Pudding Ice Cream

As close as I get so making my own puddings! - S0 enjoy

1 small tub double cream - lightly whipped
250ml tub of best Vanilla Custard - Watirose Vanilla Custard is BRILLIANT for this
100 mg sultanas
100mg mixed peel
Slug of rum
Slug of Port
Juice of an orange
tsp of cinnamon or mixed spice

soak the fruit in the booze and orange juice and add the spice. Mix together the whipped cream and custard and then add the soaked fruit and booze. Freeze. If you can whip it as it's freezing or churn in an ice cream machine that is even better.

Fabulous on warm mince pies!! Or even better mincemeat shortbread -recipe to follow!

Stupid Back

My lower back hurts - really hurts. It hurts worst in bed at night, so bad that it wakes me up, but it's fine when I'm walking around or swimming or sitting or pretty much anything other than lying down.

This means that I am short of sleep and very very grumpy.

I have been to the chiropractor and have to go again on Saturday - there was an almighty click which she "adjusted" my lower spine and to be honest I've felt a bit sick ever since.

Perhaps I should just go out and spend £500 on a new memory foam mattress - the way I feel at the moment I would pay £500 for a good night's sleep!

I thought that I was fairly intelligent and reasonably well informed

I don't know if you watched the Tony Blair documentary last night. One thing still leaves me puzzled. He thought the war in Iraq was , I quote "morally the right thing to do".

I can understand why he thought it made economic sense - oil
I can understand why it might have been politically expedient - you don't argue with the USA
I can understand why he thought it might be in this country's best interests - ditto


But "Morally the right thing to do" - why? On what basis. Because it's not on any basis that has ever been rationally explained to me.

Lovely Weekend

Really nice weekend - although I'm starting to wonder if people come to stay with us for a bit of "regression therapy" , staying at Lippy's is a bit like being at your mum's when you were 10; you get to go swimming, take the dog for a walk, eat home made pizza and watch Robin Hood on Saturday night and get the papers and a roast dinner Sunday lunchtime. Perhaps running a country house hotel is my true calling? Who knows, it's a bit late now anyway!

In other news the parish magazine carries an announcement about the new "dog waste dispenser " on the village green......they actually mean a dispenser for poop scooping plastic bags, at least I think so. Meantime my own personal dog waste dispenser is asleep under the desk.

The inside of bloke's heads

TB "You can still tell that lad was born prematurley"

Lippy "How, he's not small for his age, in fact he's quite tall for a ten year old."


TB " No, not that, he just always looks a bit startled!"

Places I haven't been and would like to go to.

1. Sri Lanka
2. Angkor - Cambodia
3. Hong Kong
4. Palawan
5. Kota Kina Balu
6. Prauge
7. Barcelona
8. Berlin
9. Iceland
10. Big Sur - California
11. Sydney
12. Dubai

I really want a holiday!

How much for a letter?

When a client asks "how much for a letter" and I reply £180 plus VAT it always sounds ludicrous, even to me!

But in truth, it's never just a letter - I need to understand the case, make sure that the person who actually owes the money is the same as the person the client tells me owes the money (you wouldn't beleive how often it's someone else entirley) , remind the client they can charge interest and check out the invoice figure and the figure I'm being told to collect add up.

And that (along with money laundering compliance etc) takes about an hour - my hourly rate is £180 which is how a letter can cost £180 plus VAT

Lippys Occasional Gude to London Restaurants no - I've lost count now!

Anyway Salaam Namaste in Millman St, Bloomsbury (not far from Coram Fields!)

Lovely food, really really lovely - Fish curry with green mango, Duck Breast in a spicy yoghurt sauce that I can't remember the name of ( a couple of pints of Cobra and the senior moments really start to kick in!). The Tarragon Squid starter merits a very special mention - it was gorgeous and I've never seen or tasted it anywhere else.

It's also worth mentioning that they have 20% off between 5.30 and 7.00 so if your hungry and don't mind eating early , go for it! Whole lot including the beer was just over £20 each - bargin!

One odd thing, men and women don't seem to come to this restaurant together! Apart from one table of BIP's (British Indian Princesses) complete with Mulberry handbags and chaperone, the place was full of cricket club types trying to be funny. So you must go because the food deserves much better!

Lovely attentive service so if you do go leave a big tip!

Occupational Hazard

I was arranging to go out to supper with a friend and this happened;

Friend : "Shall we go to this new restaurant, it's got great reviews?"

Lippy : "No, I sued them when they were still at their old place and they might remember!"

Bit of An Animal?

Well, now you're talking!

Sebastian Chabal.................ooh yeah baby!

Headspace

Yesterday 160 people lost their jobs because, at least in part, one of my client's didn't beleive me when I told him what he needed to do.

My lack of persuasive skills means 160 people with no income just before Christmas.

It's not my fault, I gave him the right answer, and sketched out a plan that would have kept everyone happy and kept him trading.

There is something weird going on too - everyone you speak to has run into an ex-lover and is having a hard time rationalising it. Maybe it's a horoscope thing. Me, I still love everyone I've ever loved - it's my strength and my weakness.

It's going to be a long, cold winter, I can feel it setting in .

Slap!

I'm not really a make up girl, I'm more a "cover your face in vaseline and go horse riding in a force 8 gale" type.

However, I am now "on camera talent" to coin the phrase and have my very own "Mac Pro" Card - so I decided to brave the depths of Neal St ( too trendy by half) yesterday afternoon and get shown how to do make up for a shoot.

What a performance - it takes an hour to do make up properly and even then I don't look that fab. But what is startling is how much make up it takes to even show up under lights. What looks and feels like half a ton of slap in real life, is hardly seen on a camera. See Exhibit 1 - 50 tonnes of eyeliner not looking like 50 tonnes of eyeliner. Weird!

Retro Cooking - Chilled Cheesecake

Back at early teenage parties in the 70's , well on my less than trendy housing estate on the outskirts of Stoke anyway, there was a bit of a craze for cheesecake and cider...a more vomit inducing combination is difficult to come up with, but we were aiming for it.

Anyway, in the spirit of all things nostalgic I decided to make a chilled cherry cheesecake yesterday - you know the sort of thing, digestive biscuit and butter base , filling basically a mixture of Philadelphia Cheese, icing sugar and whipped cream, all topped off with cherry conserve. Heart attack on a plate. And you know what, it wasn't half bad. Not something you'd want to eat every week (without throwing up, but stop right there because that's an eating disorder missy!) because you would be the size of a small house, but I won't be waiting another 30 years to make another one....probably because I may well be dead by then.

Fashion

According to December's Vogue, the Jack Russell Terrier is the Fashionista's dog of choice.

Looks like I'm right on trend!

So much for the AB telling me I'm insufficiently stylish!

Home Working

The Times is seriously starting to annoy me on this subject "home working = low productivity" according to it's correspondent this morning.

Dear Times Correspondent Woman,

This morning in your opinion column you concluded that home working is no sort of working life at all. And certainly not any sort of effective working life.

Sorry love but no, I used to bill 5 hours a day when I worked in a law firm and I bill 5 hours a day now. Just because you have the self discipline of a jelly fish doesn't mean everyone else does. I do not eat all the time because the fridge is close, in fact I probably eat a lot less because there isn't a Starbucks around the corner.... in fact if you could install my own private Starbucks barrista in my kitchen (prefereably one who looks like Orlando Bloom) then my life would be absolutley perfect in stead of just pretty much perfect.

I still get up, get dressed , wash, take child to school and keep pretty much normal office hours. What I don't do is spend 2 hours travelling in and out of the city every day wasting my time and the planet's resources.

So sorry you haven't got any self discipline or motivation dear Times correspondent but please don't conclude from the fact that you can't do it, that no other bugger can!

Seethingly yours
Lippy

The Biology of Winter Ailments

Having spent a lot of the last week coughing and sneezing I've become somewhat obsessed with snot.

When you have a cold what factors determine the amount of snot you produce? No really, some people seem to just have a little sniffle, others are practically hoiking up buckets of slime. Is it genetic? Because it's a protein secretion is it diet linked like lactation - do better fed people produce more snot? Is it linked to the nature of the virus infection itself - I know bacterial secondaries make it thicker and more green. And if you cough so hard you burst a blood vessel it's the blood that turns it brown.

But there is a huge variation in texture from foam to practically putty - that must be in some part due to a dilution factor?

There has to be PhD in this for someone. Sponsored by Kleenex perhaps - "The Absorbent Quality of Tissues in relation to the defined Classes of Snot Produced by The Common Cold"

Flow

One of the yogic concepts is flow - the state of being present and focused on the task in hand without being taken forward to consider the outcome. In other words being in the moment or in the zone. Considering that a lot of the time the practice to acheive this longed for state amounts to nothing more than breathing I find it fantastically difficult. I'm too goal driven, too self conscious too tuned in to the constant narration of self-criticism which is going on in my own head.

But spending the weekend on the sofa gave me more than a little time to practice- in between sleeping and drinking cups of hot Ribena. And I think that it might even be working.

At least I thought it was OK until in the middle of my dressage test this morning the examiner bellowed "Horse looks lovely L, but will you please breathe! " - so busy concentrating that breathing went out of the window. Some things should just happen, automatically, all by themselves. But I've always found my bod more than a bit unreliable and apt to go wrong with the slightest excuse. So that's my latest excuse for all the difficulties I have with flow.

Coughing!

Today is going to be spent under a duvet watching DVD's and swilling down echinacea and vitamin C whilst putting due faith in the placebo effect.

One of the many problems with being a grown up is that if I really want chicken soup and brioche toast I am going to have to make them!..boo!

Woman flu

I'm feeling a bit rough to be honest, sore throat bit sweaty, really bad headache, swollen glands and a touch yuk all round.


So of course - went to work on shoot, cooked lunch for the crew and now I'm catching up on some paperwork. I have to go to London at stupid early o'clock in the morning, AND I'm missing out on a free lunch at the Park Lane Hilton, because I'm working on a shoot! - it's divine retribution for my otherwise charmed life.

Can't think of a single interesting thing to write....so no change there then!

Demon Bitch Monster of Death

My other half is a terrbile nag, his idea of assisting is to watch me doing a job, standing with his hands on his hips before sighing heavily and saying "I wouldn't do it like that if I were you."

Sometimes I ignore it, other times as those words "I wouldn't do it like that if I were you " hit the air , the red mist comes down in front of my eyes and everything goes a little hazy.

Luckily, the knife drawer was a little out of my reach, but I understand that the words "so far up yourself you can't see out!" did pass my lips, amongst other rantings, which I can see was perhaps a teeny little bit unreasonable in the circumstances. But then nagging is mitigation for murder so maybe I'm not all that unreasonable after all.

Partay!

Children's parties - enjoyable afternoon or parental competitive event?...discuss

I'm so old that my memory of an ultra sophisticated children's birthday party was being taken to the "Bridge Cafe " at Keele Service Station to eat chips and watch the lights of the cars on the M6 as they passed beneath us...how times have changed!

The AB is now 11 so I'm getting off relativley lightly this year with a get together at the swimming baths followed by chocolate cake and ham rolls. But we have done more in previous years including ; the play barn party, the cowboys and indians disco party, the "it's a girl thing" make up and hairdressing for 9 year olds party, the pyjama party with storyteller, and the try to kill your child's friends at the local ice rink party. All good fun in their way - but you do worry, AB got so many presents when she was 6 that she stuffed a load in her toy cupboard and never opened them!

I don't think there is a good answer - one children's entertainer was so popular round our way that by the end of the "party season" the kids were giving the punch lines of the jokes before he did....at least we never hired him.

Ow!

I did go to the gym and this morning it hurts, especially just between my shoulder blades, (shoulder presses I think they are called) and my calves , running uphill on a treadmill will do that for you.

Have to say the TB looks very sexy getting all sweaty on a rowing machine. And I'd probably do better if I spent less time watching and letching and more time pedalling the stationary bike.

Also the whole process would be much more efficient if we didn't come home and have beer and curry afterwards.

By way of public information announcements did you know that if you pay your credit card late in one month you get charged interest for the next two! - robbing bastards! I never knew about this because I always pay my credit card off in full on time, but honestly of all the scams to stop people getting out of debt. That one seems to be right up there with the ironically named "Bright House" and it's 30% interest rate - never go there, if ever there was a business that deserved to fail horribly that is it.

Beast - chapter and verse.

Today is one of those really shitty days where nothing is going easily or to plan. It's an "Oh shit that was supposed to be with the High Court this morning " kind of a day. Added to which I really hate this case, it's really hard technically AND I have to drag every tiny piece of evidence out of the client AND he is a really slow payer so motivation to do this extra super hard bit of work is , lets be truthful pretty low.

I'm attacking the motivational lacuna with housework - applying the gospel according to Beast.

So frantic typing and rushing to the post office is being broken up with mad hoovering to get out some of the frustration - hoovering the stairs with a Dyson is extra virtuous as it doubles up as in-house weight training.

Also going to the gym tonight - I'll let you know if I've cheered up tomorrow.

Weekending

We had the most beautiful weather this weekend, crisp and clear just designed to make trees with golden leaves look stunning.

Cue family bike ride with my sister and her family. Now we are not repeat not a family of genetically superior athletes, so the 10 mile cycle round the lake is a challenge. And one for which we "carb up" suitably with mini mars bars and chocolate brownies. So really it did serve us right that we were lapped not once but twice by both the local pensioners outing, and a girl in high heels, skinny jeans and designer sunglasses who didn't even turn pink going up the hills let alone sweat!

I've been typing too much lately and the back of my right hand is bruised and a bit swollen - at one point it looked as if alien life in the form of a mammoth tick had taken up residence under the skin!

So I'm reverting to long hand for a bit!

Working!

If I ever complain about not having enough work to do at any future date feel free to super glue my lips together!
Oh my GOD it's ridiculous!

On the other had from a PR point of view it's kind of brilliant, the TB who I think harbours illusions of my sitting in front of the telly with a cup of tea watching Trisha and Diagnosis Murder, has been answering one telphone while I email and answer the other!

In between times he has looked impressed, brought me cups of tea and is now finishing the ironing! Hurrah!

We are going to be nauseating joined at the hip married people this evening - going to the gym together and then out to the pub. I'll just pass you the sick bowl.

A horse a horse my kingdom for .....

"There is nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse"

Was it Dr Johnson - sorry I can't be bothered to walk over to the bookshelf and pick up the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations to check, the Idler must be working.

Anyway the poor little AB just turned 11, and the door slamming, mother upsetting, monosyllabic ingrate phase has kicked in early. Thank goodness for ponies - there is no better cure for a fit of teenage hormonalness than a muck fork and a wheel barrow, and you get all that nice smelly country air thrown in for free!

It only turns nasty when mother is in the menage doing a spot of horse schooling, it's doubly embarassing because mother is quite good and that's really not allowed! Little does she know that I'd love to be doing the grooming and mucking out too - but I'm holding back because even I wouldn't want to be THAT embarassing!

Bad Meeting

There is a way of handling a meeting where you have prepared and no one else has. The "Office Slaves Guide to Ettiquette" says that you smile, listen, offer constructive comment and basically let everyone else crib your homework without making too much of a fuss.



You do not -repeat not - do what I did on Friday. Which was explain my point with such ill grace that my not so hidden agenda of "listen muppet I went to law school not you and that's before we even start to get into how much cleverer than you I actually am and the bit where I hit you over the head with the copy of the Legal 500 that has my name in it not yours." OH yes that agenda was out there on the table for all to see.



It probably didn't help that I had a hangover, and that everyone else was 15 minutes late for a meeting that I had travelled for an hour and a half to attend.



Any road up - the outcome of the meeting was that they are doing what I told them to.



The downside is that I'm freelance - and they will probably never employ me again as I've so clearly and unequivocably demonstrated that I'm not at all lovely to work with. Ho hum......

The Idler

I really like the Idler - what's a professional slave with a hot sideline in varyingly successful self improvement doing reading a manifesto to idleness ? I hear you ask.

Well - it's very funny. And dispite the wankerish tendencies of some of its regular contributors, yes Keith Allen I do mean you, there is something fantastically worthy about it. It's a Victorian temperance pamphlet for the twenty first century. In a world driven by political spin and the cult of the personality here is a real policy driven political tract. Ableit one with a pair of tits, a cucumber and a huge pot of Vaseline on the front cover.

I am, in my own warped way, attempting to live out it's theory that working for two hours a day is plenty...where I'm going wrong at the moment is spending the other twenty two hours TRYING to work.

I need to get out more loves.

I may never do any work again

http://stephenfry.com/blog/

Moving on...

Well solo work methods have moved on somewhat - rather than playing Radio 4 in the background I've discovered Channel 4 on demand. This means I can down load Studio 60 episodes and play them in a window on the computer and pretend that I am sharing an office with Matthew Perry.

I am deeply deeply offended by the suggestion that those of us who work from home sit around in our pyjamas all day and don't shower; for the record, I'm showered, I'm wearing make up and perfume and although I am wearing jeans they are dark denim and look fine with my grey cashmere sweater...so those of you huddling together in some corporate office seeking comfort from the body warmth, stop feeling superior right now!

The rest of the family are having struggles of their own. For an eleven year old girl not having a best friend is the end of life as it is known, having had brilliant mates last year the AB is not having such a vintage season in her new school. And it's hurting. This morning there were tears and its so tough, what can you say , I tried " you can only be yourself and friends will happen, just not always as quickly as you'd like."

Beta Female

I wear size 14 (UK 14, US 10 - for clarification and additional vanity!) jeans and this, by my own admission makes me a beta female.

There is no getting around it, the law school diploma is no help at all, nor is the current (not too shabby) salary nor the fact that I'm seriously thinking about one of those rather chic new Volvo convertable saloons.

I can ride, shoot, dance, speak two languages with a degeree of fluency and get by tolerably in a third.

But beta, beta all the way and probably a beta minus at that. For this simple reason there are womens clothes shops that I can't go into. Not unless I want a scathing , appraising, up and down look as I walk through the door, and a withering comment of "sorry madame I don't think we have anything that would fit you." And by this one fact, in girl world, I become a second class citizen. Too embarrased to "borrow" clothes off my friends at college because I was certain (wrongly as it turned out) that they would all be a size 10. I also tend to down grade the things I have achieved because I wasn't thin when I did them " That distinction I got would have been so much better if I'd been two dress sizes smaller at the time;" " That time I travelled in the far east, would have been so much more interesting if I had been wearing a smaller bikini."

I'm taking the trouble to write this down so that I can see for myself how much bollocks it truly is. And even now I'm not sure I'm convincing myself. You see this blog would be so much better if only I was writing it wearing size 8 jeans.

It's all my own fault

Why does my brain suddenly decide to work properly at eight thirty on a Sunday night?

I'll tell you why, years of training is why; It started age 7 with the last minute homework dash for my fearsome primary school teacher. Much of my education followed in the same mode and hadn't got any better when, at the end of almost twenty years of full time education we got to the the late late law school seminar preparation stint. And, of course, coming right up to date with the writing of the script/cross-examination questions/summing up just right before I'm going to have to produce them to a tv producer/judge. Forget adrenalin as a motivator, anything less than bowel loosening fear just doesn't seem to cut it with my frontal lobes. I can even spell - get me!

Oh Dear

My blogging alter ego has become a dyslexic bore, who can't write for toffee! Oh dear!
Maybe as the TB kindly told our daughter last night "I'm at that stage in my life" a not all that eupahmistic reference to "that stage where it all goes pear shaped"

Having never been pear shaped - no hips and no arse sadly - I am awaiting the coming metamorphisis. Meantime I shall search for inspiration and try to remember to use the spell checker, when I'm not having a senior moment obviously.

Today I need to finish the month end accounts, do an evidence review and find a law library in Cambridge (this last in an attempt to avoid having to go to London on Tuesday) I'm also going to find chat up the Official Receiver - what a wild and wacky life I do lead!

Why is there a picture of your office on blogger?

Well just thought you might want to see it is all, the computer sits around the corner. And the clock is very large so I don't forget to note down lots of billable hours!

The Whole Point

The Whole point of being self employed is that I get to work fewer hours a day, have a lot more flexibility and still make the same money - or work the same horus in a day and make more money, whichever....either way it's my risk and me who is waiting for the cheques to come in. So far this month, as far as the cheques go...it's been a slow month.

Get your cheque books out client type guys, there is only so much work a lawyer can do without an adequate coffee supply, and the sort of cases you've got we are talking 8-10 cups a day minimum, when the Gold Blend runs out the work stops, OK???

Also being self employed lets me have open bizarre windows open on the computer and listen again to Radio 4 comedy while I work - it's strangely consloing I find!

Italians couldn't organise their way out of paper bag...discuss

Italy looks very pretty as you can see - but "Italian Conference Organisers" those words should not be in the same sentance! I feel bad now that I didn't listen more closely to the Chinese delegate or speak to the Russian or find out what the heck the Frenchman's problem with Ethanol bio-fuels really was. But there was no water in the conference room, only two toilets for 180 people, the translation was dodgy to say the least and my feet were swollen from standing up to eat my meals 4 days running! The higher mind should rise above this...but mine isn't higher!

Telly duddies

I did think that installing 4-on Demand on my work computer might have been the worst thing for my work productivity since, well since the internet frankly. But actually having downloaded a couple of episodes of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip , I'm thinking that it may work in a reverse psychology kind of way to cure my of my Aaron Sorkin reverence once and for all.

Studio 60 contains two of my all time favourite actors and , ( to quote my Australian students from a former life) it still sucks rocks! - nobody in tv can be that pompous surely to god! And anyway it's not modern day tv as no one is making a reality show! - clearly out of date, behind the times and still not funny. There is a school of thought that say Sorkin can't write now he's clean - well he certainly re-worked his Gilbert and Sulivan fasination which seems to suggest that he's short of ideas. Although I fall short of suggesting that he should go back to getting "coked up like Columbia" just to write a good tv show, but if he can't do better than that maybe he should stop....writing tv shows.

Plumbing New Depths

I do love a bit of kitsch, in real life I am a paragon of cream and white minimal good taste. But when it comes to media consumption you can't get much lower brow than me. I like my books to be good but magazines and tv can be as crappy as you like - I love 'em I have no shame! Drawing the line only at Big Brother because it's just so bloody dull.

I was quite fond of Jordan and all her "I am a blow up plastic gangsters mol" glory, and thought OK magazine was harmlessly hilarious - until this week. A front cover of Jordan and Kerry Katona coming on like born again Virgins shrieking "I would never have left my kids alone!" really did make me want to heave! Just who the fuck do they think they are. Cashing in on the tragedy of the McCanns is just despicable......there but by the grace of god go all of us with kids, mine was found wandering the halls of a 5 star hotel in her jammies age 2 because the so called "baby listening service" didn't! So OK your not funny any more , you're just not.

The 45 minute rule

You know the 45 minute rule?
That's the one that says "When you finally get around to doing that huge, horrible bit of work that you have been putting off for weeks it only actually takes you 45 minutes."

I'd like to say that I'm going to disprove the rule today.
But the huge horrible bit of work is so horrible, that I'm going to put it off until tomorrow.

Old Habits

If you are prepared to "work off the consequences" with a few late nighters, self employment has the potential to allow one to take self indulgence to a whole new level!

So with this in mind - rather than working on Monday morning I went horse-riding instead. I used to do it lots, but when AB was tiny she was very allergic to horses and had a couple of nights in hospital on oxygen it was so bad. So I quit. Now she is over it and learning to ride herself there is no reason why I shouldn't. So off to the local stables I went - and had the best time! I can still do everything - instructress very complimentary;
she "Did you ever compete?"
me " er no!"
she "Why not!"

So - my legs are bruised purple my back side is sore and I'm saving up for a horse all over again! Hurrah!

Occasionally Touring Restaurant Guide - The Fish and Chip Shop, Aldeburgh

Best seats in the house - the benches on the sea front at Aldeburgh. It's such a posh sea side place even the sea gulls have good manners and don't try and steal your chips.

Cod, chips and mushy peas for 4. The fish was perfect, beyond perfect - stunning. And the mushy peas lovely, not so mushed that they couldn't remember that they had once been peas. But the chips were disappointing - they were hot enough and had crispy enough outsides but had been fried in some random vegetable fat that just doesn't do the business. It HAS to be beef dripping - maybe you can't get beef dripping anymore due to some obscure food hygiene regulation? I will check. But chips with something missing .....

Lovely day though, the dog discovered the sea side and decided he rather liked it - yay!

It couldn't have happened to a nicer bank!

The government bail out that has been offered to Northern Rock stretches the meaning of ironic to breaking point. Why? You ask.

OK let me explain - in the last three years whenever I have been working with an insolvency practitioner to put together a rescue package for a business in difficulty or an individual debt problem there was one factor that would always blow the deal. You couldn't put forward an IVA or a CVA or any sort of a debt rescue package where Northern Rock was a creditor , they didn't even look at the merits of the deal they just said a blanket NO to everything. And when you asked their lawyer for justification in turning down a rescue package for some good little business they couldn't. At least they sounded embarassed to say "it's just the client's policy".

Not too embarassed to ask for a rescue package when they need one though are they...bastards!

Dirty Smelly and Dangerous!

No it's not me that's dirty smelly and dangerous ...although maybe if you missed out the smelly, anyway I digress....it's not me it's Naples where the law conference is, that I'm going to a week on Tuesday.

Everyone else is flying from Gatwick -no brain here is going from Stanstead because it's closer to home and cheaper,but this means getting from the airport to the hotel all on my Jack, which is why this may have been an extremely stupid idea!

I have mobile phone, and emergency contact numbers - but speak no Italian, no doubt in a crisis I will revert to shouting loudly at people in a mixture of French and Spanish...it's worked for me before !

From this you will gather that the paper is finished and submitted and the flight and hotel, AND conference fee (although I almost forgot that bit) booked and paid for - so I'm good to go!

Lippy's Occasional guide to London Restaurants - The Narrow

The Narrow is Gordon Ramsay's gastro pub at Limehouse, deep in the sterile heart of the docklands but right on the river. It's Gordon and it's docklands and so I would have quite enjoyed really hating it - but honestly, it was lovely. My kind of food - devilled kidney's on toast to start with , which were spicy and perfectly just a tiny little bit pink. Then duck breast with honey roast parsnips, nothing to find fault with there and the green beans to go with were an inspired selection. I really couldn't resist the strawberry trifle for desert and it didn't disappoint, it had that authentic" Aunty's hand slipped when she added the sherry" layer at the bottom of the dish, yum yum.

Add to that some excellent company and the sun sparkling on the Thames , a few passing sailing boats and voila!

Also much entertainment in trying to work out who the other punters actually are and why they aren't working on a Monday afternoon???!!!

Useless

Yes I am being useless, but frankly todays choice of activities is as follows;

Finish paper for conference in Italy which is already 3 months late - this must be done to justify grant money that has already been recieved. However, subject matter is bloody hard.

Finish v tricky skeleton argument for trial in October

And you know what - don't fancy either of those much. So.....in a blatant attempt not to do either I have; taken the dog for a walk, had a long conversation with the gas man, exhausted the possibilites of facebook, looked up where I am going to give the paper on Wikipedia , looked it up everywhere else because Wikipedia says it isn't very interesting - unfortunatley it looks as if the general consensus is that Wikipedia was right.

I should also upload the photos from last weekend's scarecrow festival in the village - which was great fun. We made a flying Harry Potter scarecrow, but were well beaten by the full cast of Narnia ( don't people have anythign else to do???) Ended up with lots of jolly , beer fuelled in our case, Dad dancing on the village green.

WI

I did go to my first ever WI meeting last night. Whether from a desire to make better jam, or a last gasp hope of appearing naked on a calendar remains unclear....but they DO sing Jerusalem!

I was also the youngest by about 20 years so I'm not sure that the nude calendar idea has legs in this particular instance.

If you go down to the woods

I've been feeling very guilty about the lack of dog walking that has gone on recently - it's turning into a weekend pass time which is BAD very very BAD! So today after the school run me and the dog headed out of the village and up into the Elveden Forest - to put it in context that's all of 10 minutes away from my house.

But it's a big wood - and you have to be careful, take a wrong trun and you could slip over the border and find yourself in Norfolk! It's also the place to see the strange anomaly of speed traps and rumble strips on a road in the middle of nowhere - a reminder that it's not just people who get run over, this is the fantastically named "Suffolk Deer Safety Project" and a very good thing it is too. The only squashed deer in sight today was a small mangled muntjac.

Must get on- I am officially being a lazy git and I can't afford to be.

Hill Billies

Part of the point of living in the country - along with having a bigger house for your money and fewer sirens in the middle of the night - is that you get to swan up to town occasionally looking all rosy cheeked and healthy and stand out suitably amongst the sallow skined townies.

Well not lately I haven't - a couple of 8 o'clock in town starts have meant leaving home at 5 in the morning only to arrive with bags under my eyes like cargo trunks and finish up with a whole rash of stress type zits that I should, by rights, have grown out of 30 years ago! Anyway came across some girlies in Selfridges who were doing "threading" they pull out your eyebrow hair with cotton thread that they sort of catch between their teeth and spin - as a result I know have extremely tidy eyebrows ! But I need to go back in 3 weeks for another appointment apparently, oh well, temporary improvement is still improvement...right?

C's first day at new school today - I hope she makes nice friends and her friends have nice mothers as working at home means I am Billy no mates and likely to stay that way. I may have to join the WI!

You are going to think badly of me

I can't believe that I did this.......Someone I don't know well and haven't seen for ages, made a passing comment in conversation, "you've got a couple of kids haven't you" being a lazy git and thinking this thread would go no further I gave a "uh yeah whatever" kind of an answer - and inadvertently committed myself to having two children. Rather than being dropped , the topic continued and I couldn't back track - and ended up inventing a whole second child that I don't actually have! By the end she even had a specific style of school shoes!

So clearly when confronted with the choice between embarassment and compulsive liar, I'll go with compulsive liar every time..........................

Even i'm shocked!

Docklands

I like Docklands it's so not like London, it belongs on a film set or in the far east or on another planet....but I like it.

So I was chuffed to bits that we got to film our boring training video in a penthouse flat in Limehouse Basin on Friday. And it looked just like a penthouse flat should look, enormous quantities of plate glass, leather chairs and a swirly glass coffee table....fabulous!

You know it's really really posh when the nearest boozer is Gordon Ramsay's gastropub.

Current Affairs

Well current affairs as they are known to the habitual "Grazia" reader such as myself - but doesn't Angelina Jolie look rough.. I know, those are words that even I am surprised am passing my virtual lips but OH MY GOD, doesn't she look rough! - how bad can life with Brad Pitt be??? I mean she is giving Amy Winehouse a run for her money in the "I'm far too thin for anything good" stakes.

Ooh and I'm reading a fabulous book "The Janissary Tree" all about a eunuch detective in a 19th century Ottoman Court - you'll love it honestly, people being done to death in the harem and all sorts!

It's Hardly Surprising Really

Genes will out ..my arthritic 75 year old father was groving away to an Amy Winehouse track compeltely in a world of his own, in the middle of Monsoon this afternoon. Well,having spent some of his formative years as a bouncer in a jazz club in Paris; Amy sings his kind of tunes.

Meanwhile in the changing rooms my blonde cute ten year old was foresaking the glamorous, velvet dress, wedding outfit for the multi polka dotted "funky number" , and a feather for her hair - I've given birth to Luna Lovegood.....

Stationary

I have a really really bad stationary habit, maybe I should just set up a stationary supplies shop and try and cure myself by becoming a pusher, or at least get everything at trade. I set out to walk past Staples but then, then....I can't resist the latest pen, a new pad, some funky flourescent post-its.

I am going to have to curb things I think otherwise the accountant is going to start orbiting - £175 a month stationary spend for a little outfit like mine is somewhat on the steep side of steep I think, particularly as I do most of my work on line - which requires no paper and no pens...oops.

Nooooooo!

I know that talking about the weather should be banned - as it is all any one has been talking about for the last three months. But hell fire, I've just made soup for lunch - 22nd of August and flipping soup!

I may yet light the fire, power up a DVD (something stupidly escapist like Serenity or something) and get out my knitting. All the road crash DVD's in our house are mine; Buffy, Angel, Lord of the Rings with all the extras, Box sets of Hustle and Hotel Babylon.

All the classy stuff - Pride and Prejudice, Shakespeare in Love, - belongs to C, who is 10.


Saffy and Edina anyone?

Not Subtle

Did I mention that not only were the Man City team staying in the same hotel as my hen party on Saturday night, one of the footy comentating teams were there too.

So Sunday breakfast who should appear in the restaurant but Jamie Rednapp - who is fantastically dissapointing in the flesh, not as tall as we imagined not as good looking as we imagined and following the celebrity rule of threes probably a bit of a cunt. That discovery might have passed between us girlies with just a nod and a wink, but for K. K is a long time graduate of the "Brain Blessed School of Whispering" - and therefore exclaimed at approximatley 200 decibels just as Jamie R passed our table, "oh God and he's got no arse either!"........................so we made his day then?

"That Bloke Looks LIke a Fat Sean Bean!"

I had the full on Manc experience. I spoke to Sven before the match and wished him good luck -and then they won 1-0, it's spooky the effect I can have on people! Although close to the Man City first team appear to have an average age of 14.

We went to a comedy club and I now have an extensive reportoire of scouse jokes; What do you call a scouser in a white shell suit? ............................................................the bride.

I bought out Kendals, having discovered that the part time tv presenting lets me get MAC at Bobbi Brown at trade price and they are tax deducatable.YES!

Clubbing was interesting - yes, that's the right word, -interesting. Although why some guy decided to try pole dancing with the disabled access handrail will remain a mystery. Some barman inspired the quote that makes the title of this post - but S had lost her glasses at that point and I wasn't really convinced.

The hotel was lovely, and the spa fabulous - I declined the spray tan and the hair extensions and had a facial and a massage instead which was lush.

So relaxed and revived it's an early start to the week!

Something for the weekend?

I'm off to Manchester for a hen weekend on Friday night. This has been the source of much amusement amongst my close relatives viz;

"Hens? - old boilers you mean!"

"Manchester? What happened to Prauge, Barcelona, glamour style? - Oh I forgot you're going."

etc etc etc ....you get the general picture.

Well listen up, it's not for nothing that Manchester is the definitive and original WAG central, even I shall probably come back with hair extensions and a spray tan. We are booked for a SPA PACKAGE at a rather nice central hotel, I shall be generally scrubbed and buffed into submission, get thoroughly pissed and stagger back south on a train on Sunday night - hurrah for not having to get into an office on Monday morning, although, in other breaking news, I've joined the gym across the road. Working at home also just means staggering downstairs and sitting infront of a computer all day, so if I'm not going to end up the size of a small mamoth alternative exercise to the office stairs has to be instigated. And I'm booked in for my assessment and induction for 2 hours from 9am Monday morning...oh well!

I'm not entirley sure if I have "V" envy or not - nobody really really grabs me, and I bet you Amy Winehouse doesn't show up!

Now that's what I call a loud noise!

They say old rockers never die, but God don't you sometimes wish that they would?

Watching the Bryan Ferry sessions on BBC the other night was like watching a car crash. He looks terrible, he's too round for the slim fit suits and his hair is parting company with his scalp at a serious rate of knots. But the worst part was that he can't sing any more...the voice has gone and no amount of pretending it hasn't is going to help. Give it up, go home, grow something in the garden instead. It probably won't help but it will get you off the telly.

He's not alone, they were playing "Rod Stewart sings the American Song Book" in the hairdressers the other day and it was enough to make your ears bleed.

Only the girls can sing when they are over 60 it seems - there is only one word for you Aretha ....Respect!

It can't be Thursday already?

Apparently it is - the trouble with being ill and indisposed is there is a horrible amount of catching up to do afterwards!

Spent Monday walking up and down the river by Battersea Reach with a film crew trying to do sound bites as flights to Heathrow went over every 30 seconds; "No pressure love, you have a quiet window, NOW"...."No sorry, STOP, you've got to be quicker off the mark than that!" ...got it done in the end. Tricia, yes you on day time telly, your sound man is fabulous pay him more money!

In brief - in chronological order

1. Moving days arrived and got stuff packed in van
2. Lawyer friend rang with crisis so went to her office and sorted it out for her
3. Nipped to Dr's to pick up inhalers and made comment about funny sensation in side of chest
4. Got admitted to hospital as medical emergency
5. Husband and van and rest of clothes left for new house 180 miles away
6. Got bed on ward full of blokes next to guy chained to prison warder
7. Got injected with stuff that made bruise in stomach size of stomach
8. Got injected with stuff that made me radioactive
9. Got told that highly unlikely anything wrong
10. Got kept in - injected with more bruise stuff that made me feel horrible, fed nasty food and spent time consoling nice ladies who were having their breasts removed
11. Got kept in - as above
12 Got kept in as above
13 Day 4 still no test results
14 Discharged self and drove to Suffolk - not dead will go see GP on Monday