Current Affairs

Well current affairs as they are known to the habitual "Grazia" reader such as myself - but doesn't Angelina Jolie look rough.. I know, those are words that even I am surprised am passing my virtual lips but OH MY GOD, doesn't she look rough! - how bad can life with Brad Pitt be??? I mean she is giving Amy Winehouse a run for her money in the "I'm far too thin for anything good" stakes.

Ooh and I'm reading a fabulous book "The Janissary Tree" all about a eunuch detective in a 19th century Ottoman Court - you'll love it honestly, people being done to death in the harem and all sorts!

It's Hardly Surprising Really

Genes will out ..my arthritic 75 year old father was groving away to an Amy Winehouse track compeltely in a world of his own, in the middle of Monsoon this afternoon. Well,having spent some of his formative years as a bouncer in a jazz club in Paris; Amy sings his kind of tunes.

Meanwhile in the changing rooms my blonde cute ten year old was foresaking the glamorous, velvet dress, wedding outfit for the multi polka dotted "funky number" , and a feather for her hair - I've given birth to Luna Lovegood.....

Stationary

I have a really really bad stationary habit, maybe I should just set up a stationary supplies shop and try and cure myself by becoming a pusher, or at least get everything at trade. I set out to walk past Staples but then, then....I can't resist the latest pen, a new pad, some funky flourescent post-its.

I am going to have to curb things I think otherwise the accountant is going to start orbiting - £175 a month stationary spend for a little outfit like mine is somewhat on the steep side of steep I think, particularly as I do most of my work on line - which requires no paper and no pens...oops.

Nooooooo!

I know that talking about the weather should be banned - as it is all any one has been talking about for the last three months. But hell fire, I've just made soup for lunch - 22nd of August and flipping soup!

I may yet light the fire, power up a DVD (something stupidly escapist like Serenity or something) and get out my knitting. All the road crash DVD's in our house are mine; Buffy, Angel, Lord of the Rings with all the extras, Box sets of Hustle and Hotel Babylon.

All the classy stuff - Pride and Prejudice, Shakespeare in Love, - belongs to C, who is 10.


Saffy and Edina anyone?

Not Subtle

Did I mention that not only were the Man City team staying in the same hotel as my hen party on Saturday night, one of the footy comentating teams were there too.

So Sunday breakfast who should appear in the restaurant but Jamie Rednapp - who is fantastically dissapointing in the flesh, not as tall as we imagined not as good looking as we imagined and following the celebrity rule of threes probably a bit of a cunt. That discovery might have passed between us girlies with just a nod and a wink, but for K. K is a long time graduate of the "Brain Blessed School of Whispering" - and therefore exclaimed at approximatley 200 decibels just as Jamie R passed our table, "oh God and he's got no arse either!"........................so we made his day then?

"That Bloke Looks LIke a Fat Sean Bean!"

I had the full on Manc experience. I spoke to Sven before the match and wished him good luck -and then they won 1-0, it's spooky the effect I can have on people! Although close to the Man City first team appear to have an average age of 14.

We went to a comedy club and I now have an extensive reportoire of scouse jokes; What do you call a scouser in a white shell suit? ............................................................the bride.

I bought out Kendals, having discovered that the part time tv presenting lets me get MAC at Bobbi Brown at trade price and they are tax deducatable.YES!

Clubbing was interesting - yes, that's the right word, -interesting. Although why some guy decided to try pole dancing with the disabled access handrail will remain a mystery. Some barman inspired the quote that makes the title of this post - but S had lost her glasses at that point and I wasn't really convinced.

The hotel was lovely, and the spa fabulous - I declined the spray tan and the hair extensions and had a facial and a massage instead which was lush.

So relaxed and revived it's an early start to the week!

Something for the weekend?

I'm off to Manchester for a hen weekend on Friday night. This has been the source of much amusement amongst my close relatives viz;

"Hens? - old boilers you mean!"

"Manchester? What happened to Prauge, Barcelona, glamour style? - Oh I forgot you're going."

etc etc etc ....you get the general picture.

Well listen up, it's not for nothing that Manchester is the definitive and original WAG central, even I shall probably come back with hair extensions and a spray tan. We are booked for a SPA PACKAGE at a rather nice central hotel, I shall be generally scrubbed and buffed into submission, get thoroughly pissed and stagger back south on a train on Sunday night - hurrah for not having to get into an office on Monday morning, although, in other breaking news, I've joined the gym across the road. Working at home also just means staggering downstairs and sitting infront of a computer all day, so if I'm not going to end up the size of a small mamoth alternative exercise to the office stairs has to be instigated. And I'm booked in for my assessment and induction for 2 hours from 9am Monday morning...oh well!

I'm not entirley sure if I have "V" envy or not - nobody really really grabs me, and I bet you Amy Winehouse doesn't show up!

Now that's what I call a loud noise!

They say old rockers never die, but God don't you sometimes wish that they would?

Watching the Bryan Ferry sessions on BBC the other night was like watching a car crash. He looks terrible, he's too round for the slim fit suits and his hair is parting company with his scalp at a serious rate of knots. But the worst part was that he can't sing any more...the voice has gone and no amount of pretending it hasn't is going to help. Give it up, go home, grow something in the garden instead. It probably won't help but it will get you off the telly.

He's not alone, they were playing "Rod Stewart sings the American Song Book" in the hairdressers the other day and it was enough to make your ears bleed.

Only the girls can sing when they are over 60 it seems - there is only one word for you Aretha ....Respect!

It can't be Thursday already?

Apparently it is - the trouble with being ill and indisposed is there is a horrible amount of catching up to do afterwards!

Spent Monday walking up and down the river by Battersea Reach with a film crew trying to do sound bites as flights to Heathrow went over every 30 seconds; "No pressure love, you have a quiet window, NOW"...."No sorry, STOP, you've got to be quicker off the mark than that!" ...got it done in the end. Tricia, yes you on day time telly, your sound man is fabulous pay him more money!

In brief - in chronological order

1. Moving days arrived and got stuff packed in van
2. Lawyer friend rang with crisis so went to her office and sorted it out for her
3. Nipped to Dr's to pick up inhalers and made comment about funny sensation in side of chest
4. Got admitted to hospital as medical emergency
5. Husband and van and rest of clothes left for new house 180 miles away
6. Got bed on ward full of blokes next to guy chained to prison warder
7. Got injected with stuff that made bruise in stomach size of stomach
8. Got injected with stuff that made me radioactive
9. Got told that highly unlikely anything wrong
10. Got kept in - injected with more bruise stuff that made me feel horrible, fed nasty food and spent time consoling nice ladies who were having their breasts removed
11. Got kept in - as above
12 Got kept in as above
13 Day 4 still no test results
14 Discharged self and drove to Suffolk - not dead will go see GP on Monday